What happens when you fall in love with someone but you can’t do anything about it?
Been there? Done that?
Love can be so unexpected sometimes. It can come when and where we aren’t expecting it, and drop us on our bazoonga like we didn’t know what hit us.
Here’s a scenario –
Handsome doctor always has lots of eager and beautiful women in his waiting room…
Example: my kids’ pediatrician, tall, dark, and handsome seemed to always have a waiting room full of young women who showed up in makeup and heels.
You see it in movies. New doctor in town. All the eligible women have suddenly come down with an unexplainable ailment.
When I was 40, I dislocated my knee, and once it was put back in place, I needed to see a physical therapist once a week.
He was a Libra, tall, dark-shoulder length hair, smoldering, velvet brown eyes, a virtual Adonis! and we hit it off immediately. I was smitten! I would eagerly go to every session, and let him bend my knee ever so slowly until I was completely back to normal.
At the time, I worked as a beauty advisor for Lancôme, and mentioned that he could come by and do some shopping.
Well, one day he took me up on my offer and showed up with his beautiful fiancé, and asked me if I would show her how to do her makeup!
I was crushed! I had no idea. but , I’m very professional, very much in control of my feelings, did a lot of self-talk, and moved on. Our time together was only for that healing that I needed and I needed to put my little girl’s heart into a safe place and move on.
When I was in college, I had an English teacher, who when I first met him, it was like we were in a bubble, just the two of us, communicating on some etheric level.
It was hard for me not to stare at him when I was in class. I would find reasons to visit him in his office.
But, alas, he was married. so, I invited him and his wife to one of my plays. I was performing in repertory theater. My part was the lead, Janet, in “Baby with the Bathwater”.
He came, I met his wife, and I knew the show must go on and so shall the girl.
I’m not inexperienced in love. I believe that we can have more than one soulmate over a life time.
Circumstances have a lot to do with making the decision to stay in a relationship.
I moved away from a soulmate relationship when he didn’t make an effort to know my children.
10 years later, I meet another soulmate, and he’s killed in a car crash.
It seems like a 10 year cycle passes for me and then God sends me another soulmate.
So, I guess you could say I was due to meet someone.
I had climbed back into my “cave”, as my daughter describes it, and not dated anyone since Bob died.
I had gained weight, stopped looking, not even interested. I even stopped wearing makeup. My favorite outfit was my “mommy jeans”, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. I had resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. I’m independent! I can take care of myself. And then, I spent a year in Hawaii.
Maybe it’s the Mana (energy) in Hawaii, I’m not sure…
Juicy tidbit: The astrological energy n Hawaii rules the groin. Maybe that’s why so many people honeymoon there!
My journey, I had decided was to “work on self, detox, lose weight, figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and just rest”.
But, the Universe, always full of surprises, seemed to have something else in store.
Upon first meeting, J.T. and I hit it off. We were close to the same age. When I first saw him, he looked familiar, and reminded me of someone I had known long ago…
It was agreed that I would see him once a month for a therapy session during my stay in Hawaii.
We talked about family, friends, and we had a lot in common. We were even both raised as Lutherans and had departed from conventional religion in our early 20’s.
He was very patient, nurturing, understanding, compassionate, and possessed a swarthy handsomeness that I so adore.
And he was funny, and did I mention his green eyes? A girl’s downfall, to be sure!
Even though, all of these things were apparent, I was determined to focus on my own healing, keep my own council, and not go off the deep end.
And even though there seemed to be some beautiful feelings growing between us, he did the same. He was always the professional.
Being so overwhelmed with feelings, like I was entering into some kind of relationship, I worked hard to keep my emotions intact.
This is how well I did…
I spent time alone pouring my feelings out into a journal, crying with a heart that was bursting with a love that I couldn’t express.
I would get all giddy before my appointments at the thought of seeing him, then become so nervous, and have shortness of breath before I went into his office, completely composed.
Basically, I was a mess!
I poured over books like, ” He’s Just Not That Into You” and ” Why Men Love Bitches”, determined to keep my self control.
And then, after a couple of months, noticing some feminine touches around his office, like a pink floral welcome mat, pictures that were re-hung, and furniture rearranged, and I felt another energy present. I understood that he had someone in his life.
Sometimes, I felt like maybe I should be brave, and just tell him how I feel.
But my inner council said, “He already knows”.
And I realized, upon reflection, and after watching a movie about a therapist/patient relationship, that it was a “common occurance” to fall in love with your therapist, and shouldn’t always be acted upon.
My journey was to learn to love myself first. And to understand, that ” What is mine, will come to me”.
I’m so grateful to have had this special capsule in time with him. He helped me in so many ways. At least, I was able to express my appreciation and gratitude for all that he did for me. It was truly a profound and beautiful time n my life.
Even now, as I sit here in California writing this, my heart is full.
Love never dies, but sometimes it may be necessary to move on. I had to wait for some time to pass before I could even think of writing this to share. But hopefully, someone will benefit from this personal experience. Much love to you all, and I hope that you have loved with all of your heart, at least once in your lifetime.
I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, Thank you.
Please leave a comment below, if you feel moved to.